


Outside are the dogs

by helenaamell



Series: Freedom in captivity [2]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 3
Genre: Cunnilingus, F/M, Fluff, Lovey dovey sex, Other, Rough Sex, Smut, fallout type violence, the usual super mushy stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-04-26 16:12:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14405766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helenaamell/pseuds/helenaamell
Summary: Added note february 2019This fic is more or less abandoned by me because I just don't feel that pull to write it anymore. Might update again some day but I doubt it, sorry to anyone who wanted more but I just don't feel it anymore.Continuation of Freedom in captivityThe vault dwellers have a new base in Megaton, searching for potential new vault dwellers to join them. Kitty and Butch tries to find themselves out in relation to one another, how to learn to be together when your instincts tell you not to trust.The vaults new management and unsteady occupants may also provide them with added problems in the future. But the biggest thorn in their side comes when someone Kitty had written off as dead makes a reapperence.





	1. Outside are the dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If someone is just here for smut I will tag the chapters containing it so you're allowed to skip my plot if you're just a good ole sinner.

James made his way out of the bunker, weak on his knees, he had held out for a long while but he had finally given in and followed Dr. Brauns instructions he had made It out. Now he stood outside of the small garage, panting and filled with a need to throw up but with only bile to fill his stomach. How he had been sustained for as long as he had he had no clue. His muscles seemed quite a bit worse for wear but he hadn’t experienced the effect of a long lasting coma and that was atleast a small comfort. He looked up to the sun and wondered how long he had been stuck in there, his pip boy told him it had been a few months but prior to his entering of vault 112 he hadn’t exactly held a firm eye on the calendar.  
  
  
This thing had however proved something to him, he couldn’t continue his journey alone and he needed to find someone to act as the brawns to his brains. He set out into the wastes again, thankful for every breath of semi fresh air in his lungs and the feel of actual rocky terrain under his feet.  
  
He needed to get his hands on someone willing to work for the sake of humanity, but that was easier said than done.  
  
  
Kitty was on edge, since she had returned to the vault it had been a few weeks and now was the first day where the vaultdwellers were to set up shop in Megaton. After disarming the bomb in the middle of town Sherriff Simms had allowed them to take over an empty house for their base, he didn’t need much convincing luckily enough. But Amata had the brilliant idea of sending Kitty and Susie to go together and needless to say – Kitty was less than excited at the prospect of having to spend time with Susie.  
  
Her weeks back in the vault hadn’t been overtly eventful, she had gone back to work and she and Butch had begun taking smaller steps in their relationship. But atleast they had a word for it now, they were in fact in a relationship.  
  
The idea of having to live close by with Susie wasn’t exactly thrilling though, she was the one who had instigated that kiss with Butch after all and thereby completely ignored any feelings Kitty might have on the subject. She felt annoyed by the sheer sight of her, they had grown up together why was there so little thought regarding her well-being? She hadn’t apologized since Kitty returned, she hadn’t even paid her much mind to begin with, and it was starting to get on Kitty’s nerves. Now with the added aspect of having to work with her for this first week in Megaton she caught herself making long outdrawn fantasies in her head of “accidentally” leaving her to the monsters of the wasteland.  
  
“Ey, doc, you ready to head out?”  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
“That a yes?”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Kitty’s anger was turned up a notch at Susie’s carefree addressing of her, didn’t she have any shame in her bones? She threw her rifle over her shoulder and said a small prayer that they might run into a yao guai to finish the strawberry blonde girl off. With this added edge of being able to recruit more vault dwellers losing one wouldn’t be too much of a problem.  
  
Butch was coming to join them the following day, still on edge at the prospect of Kitty being outside by herself. That was a cute enough thought but out of the two of them she was the one with more experience with firearms, her training sessions with her BB gun giving her more skill than most in the vault. But she enjoyed the idea of Butch feeling protective deep down, although she would never actually admit to it around him.  
  
They still had their issues in communication, neither fully wanting to say exactly what they thought since they didn’t exactly have much experience in talking through things. But that was one of the few perks of her escape, it put things into perspective enough that they knew communication was essential.  
  
  
James stumbled for a while before realizing he wasn’t fully set on which way he should go. Rivet city was were his fellow scientists stayed, but there wasn’t any mercenaries there last he checked. He looked down onto the map on his pip-boy, best bet would no doubt be Megaton. He let out a deep sigh as he steadied himself for the long treck ahead of him, crossing D.C alone was a recipe for disaster and he hoped to make it through. He couldn’t give up on Catherine’s dream and he had gotten this far, hopefully his luck would pull him through yet again.


	2. Crime and punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts are in italics

Lucas Simms had been clear about the state of the house, but that didn’t stop a load groan to escape Kitty at the sight of the mess inside of the small shack they had been given.   
  
“Don’t be a baby about it Kitty, a little clean up and some paperwork then she’ll be good to go.”  
  
Susie was uncharacteristically chipper and it was getting on Kitty’s nerves. They didn’t exchange many words but the tension could be cut with a butterknife, the fact that Susie remained so positive wasn’t helping either.  
  
“Well, idle hands are the devil’s plaything my dad used to say.”   
  
Kitty muttered as she went to work collecting the rubbish thrown about in the cramped space.  
  
“Your dad was a fucking stiff did you know that?”  
  
Kitty couldn’t help but snort at that remark but she decided to focus on her work instead of trying to follow up on the conversational topic.  
  
  
They worked into the late hours of the days, their shared wish to keep distance had them working swiftly without many pauses. But then Kitty made an annoying discovery, it had turned dark outside the window and thus it wasn’t a very good idea to return to the vault. Amata had ripped her a new one when she told her about her and Butch’s last trip in the night and she was now faced with an impossible decision, either stay the night with Susie or worry her friend.  
  
“Hey, Susie, it’s dark out.”  
  
“Well fuck, I guess that means were gonna have to make this outing a slumber party.”  
  
Kitty raised her eyebrow at her, how could someone be so confusing?  
  
“I mean I guess…”  
  
“Do you know where we could get any food around here Kat?”  
  
“Uhm I think theres a noodleshop just down near that giant bomb.”  
  
“You had me at bomb.”  
  
  
The air between them remained tense, Kitty felt conflicted about her anger. She felt like she was in a position where it needed to be pushed down, it made sense for her to be angry but it was hard to know how to act when Susie was so carefree. They ate their noodles in silence, their blue overalls making them into a strange attraction for the megaton residents. Most of them hadn’t seen any vault dwellers for most of their lives and now they had seen three or maybe four in a relatively short span of time.  
  
The woman serving them food looked at them with her eyebrow raised as they had ordered. But caps were caps after all and the two girls were no doubt some of the less threatening customers available so she didn’t give them any snide comments.  
  
She felt Susie nudge her shoulder from beside her and she looked up, a few noodles still hanging out of her mouth.  
  
“Don’t be obvious about it but theres this old looking guy staring our way.”  
  
Kitty hated being informed of people she wasn’t allowed to look at but she gave Susie a small nod to show she had heard her.  
  
“Well, well, here I thought Jenny was going to remain the only piece of ass around for miles but here we have ourselves a couple of schoolgirls. You came to see the sights blondies? How about I give you a tour of the place, something a little more… Private.”   
  
The voice addressing them was deep and alluded to its owner being older than them. It wasn’t Moriarty though, it didn’t have that accent that made Kitty’s neck hairs stand up.  
  
“Piss off.”  Susie muttered between slurps and Kitty saw in the corner of her eye how the other girls one hand slipped down to her boot.  
  
Kitty did her best to remain expressionless, neither of them were awfully used to the outside world yet but in comparison she supposed she was the veteran. She made a mental note of keeping her hand close to the holster of her gun.  
  
Her cool couldn’t be held long before the owner of the voice came up to stand next to Susie.  
  
“Now, now girlie, is that any way to address someone offering you free service. Didn’t your papa teach you to respect your elders?”  
  
“He taught me somethings alright, you come any closer and I will give you offer your face a grand tour of my blade.”  
  
“Oooh, she’s feisty aint she. You’ve got a voice on ya for such a small thing, your friend doesn’t seem as confident in your words however. So why should I?”  
  
Susie shot Kitty a glare, Kitty hadn’t thought about her own body language and she realized she had crossed her arms and tried to create distance.  
  
“Ya know out in the wasteland that gesture means you’re on your own. It means if I took a jump on ya she would run for the hills rather than backing you up.”  
  
Susie shifted her focus back to the man, turning to face him head on.  
  
“If you think mind games will work on me you’ve got another thing coming.”  
  
“Wanna bet on that sweetling?”  
  
“Balls in your court old man, but they won’t be for long less you back off.”  
  
The clanks of scattered plates frightened Kitty and she rose up to her legs, hands quick to grab her 10 mm with shaky hands. She might not like Susie much but she sure as fuck wasn’t about to simply leave her to this fucker.  
  
She eyed the older man up and down, he was indeed older, she had avoided looking at him throughout the word exchanges but now he had Susies ponytail in a firm grip, pulling her head back and pressing a switchblade against her throat.  
  
“How about you run off little bird, I ain’t young no more anyhow, I can take both of ya down but I only need one of ya for my plans.”  
  
“Fat chance asshole, you let her go or you’ll be sorry.”   
  
Kitty’s voice had a slight tremor to it, but she believed her own words nonetheless. She was angry at Susie but this, this wasn’t a punishment befitting of whatever crimes Kitty blamed her for. She would rather die here with her than running away with her fate on her conscience.  
  
She saw Susie fumbling for her blade, it was no doubt still in her boot and Kitty felt a drip of sweat on her forehead that she tried to blow away. She couldn’t lose focus here, neither of the girls had much military training but Kitty was pretty confident in her aim. But this man, he had the upperhand, he was hidden behind Susie and she couldn’t risk shooting her.  
  
  
“Ah, but how do you suppose to save her huh?” He laughed at her, spit hitting Susies cheek and that’s when Kitty saw her slow movements change directions to head inside of her overall.  
  
_What the fuck is she doing?  
  
_ Susie gave her a firm look and Kitty couldn’t interpret it fully but she figured their best chance was for her to keep talking to the man.  
  
“How about we make a deal old man? My life for hers won’t be enough, if you pay me though… That’s another story entirely.”  
  
The smile spreading over his face had her remembering an old bible from the vault with illustrations of the devil. She tried making herself hyper aware of her body language, this man was just like Stevie and Susie had been raised around that asshole. She needed to just give her some time and she somewhere deep down knew that this wasn’t some damsel in distress situation.   
  
“How much?” He had brought his other hand up to stroke along Susies side and Kitty felt herself gritting her teeth.   
  
“300 caps and I never saw shit.”  
  
“You’ve got yourself a deal sweetling.”  
  
He turned to pull Susie along, knife still pressing against her throat but as he turned his face Susies motions were inhuman, she opened up a strange pendant from around her throat that held a small spike with which she stabbed the man’s hand.  
  
“FUCK!”  
  
His distraction gave Susie enough time to struggle free  
  
“SHOOT HIM NOW KITTY!”  
  
Kitty’s response felt like it wasn’t her own, she took aim at his ear and pressed the trigger.  
  
He fell to the ground, his arms falling on his sides and his switchblade falling away from him, making a clanking noise as it hit the ground.  
  
Kitty wasn’t sure if she was breathing anymore, her ears where ringing from the shot, the eerily quiet of the night acting as amplifiers to the noise.   
  
_She had taken a life, she had never done that before, a man was dead by her hand._  
  
She felt warm arms around her, sweat and the scent of the vault issued shampoo filling her nostrils.  
  
“Shit Kitty, you’ve got some fucking aim eh?”  
  
Susie’s tone was joking, but her voice was shivering


	3. Three sheets to the wind

**A week earlier**  
  
She felt a new sense of confidence being back in the vault, she had had a taste of what was out there and she never wanted to go back. But on the downside it was time for yet another outing, which she by all means had been looking forward to but considering the sheer drama of her escape she knew she was bound to be hammered with questions. This time Amata had suggested wearing dresses again, it was such a strange thing but her friend had felt lighter in spirit since the death of the overseer and with the added workload of being the next overseer that was saying a lot. But Kitty knew better than most how grief was a very individual thing, she had grieved her father even though she didn’t know if he was actually dead or not. His disappearing had given her her life back and she could only assume it was the same for Amata. Atleast James hadn’t been physical with her and she had seen Amata more or less daily since they were little girls. Sometimes she had strange bruises that she didn’t want to explain. Pushing the issue had never done anything good, it had just made Amata more stressed and Kitty figured she had enough on her plate.  
  
_That was one of the few comforts in being the center of attention, atleast Amata wouldn’t have to be._  
  
She applied red lipstick this time, Butch had suggested it with a heavy blush that reached his ears and since then it had her burning inside wondering how he would react to seeing her. He had been by her side as often as he could since she came back, he seemed almost like he was scared that she might disappear on him if he didn’t keep a close enough eye on her. That was another downside with leaving and following impulses, she was seen as a ticking timebomb. She thought it was reasonable on many accounts, but she wanted him to be carefree again, she felt so bad for worrying him, even though she also didn’t exactly blame herself for her emotional outburst.  
  
She pulled her shoes on, taking one last look in the mirror before heading out. She was going to meet Butch and go together. He more or less lived with her too nowadays but she had forced him to leave as she was getting ready, she liked for him to not see the full result until she was fully ready. It felt intoxicating to have him act so powerless around her, he didn’t have a pokerface for shit and that was something that she loved about him.  
  
She had worn that same blue dress from that first party, it felt like a goodluck charm by now and she hoped she would walk away feeling equally as giddy as she had then.   
  
She strutted out, feeling newfound confidence in her step. She heard that familiar whistle and felt a rush of added excitement running down her spine, he had waited for her.  
  
“Damn nosebleed, you’re about to raise my bloodpressure looking like that.”  
  
He had come up behind her and she felt his hands on her hips, she let out a low chuckle and pushed back her ass against him earning a small hiss from him.  
  
“You better see a doctor about that Deloria.”  
  
“Oh you bet, gonna be a regular at your office if you only let me.”  
  
She whined as she felt his lips ghost over her neck, his hands moving up to cup her breasts as his kisses reached up to hear earlobe, causing her to shudder.  
  
“You make the prettiest sounds Kitty Kat, you make me wanna pull you back to your place and continue where we last left off. If you get this excited over me just touching you like this, imagine what I could do to you if I didn’t have to worry about all of these clothes you’re wearin’.”  
  
She whined and put her hands on top of his, pressing his hands firmer around her sensitive breasts as she ground herself back against his cock, feeling him stiffen slightly in his pants. She remembered the feeling of him entering her and she could feel the taste of him in her mouth on her tongue. She wanted him to just take her there and then but she knew she couldn’t, this one time she needed to make sure to be there so Amata wouldn’t be alone so soon after losing her dad. But oh god how she wanted to just push him to the floor and ride him then and there.  
  
“We… We need to leave, theyre expecting us.”  
  
“They’ve seen us enough for a lifetime don’t you think, can’t expect me to hold back when you’re looking this fine Kitty Kat.”  
  
“You’re just going to have to.” She panted and pulled him along by his wrist  
  
“No promises.” He growled, apparently frustrated at her goal oriented attitude.   
  
  
Since the overseers unexpected demise Amata had offered to host the party again, it was a good a place as any and Kitty felt it was a small comfort to atleast be able to be on familiar grounds.  
  
As they entered the apartment she saw the gang sat out on the floor in a sort of circle, they were spread out and seemed to have already started drinking.  
  
She saw Susie and flashed her teeth from instinct, she had totally forgotten that she was supposed to be there.  
  
She searched for Amata, acutely aware of Butchs strong warm wrist in her hand, he was a safety in and of itself and she blushed as she realized her own indiscretion. She started to let go of his hand but he wasn’t having any of it, instead taking his own grip on her wrist to pull her closer to him.  
  
“You’re not escaping me again Kitty, don’t even fucking think about it.”  
  
“But they will see…”  
  
He laughed at that, a hearty but somehow innocent sound, he sounded happy and that had her blushing fiercely.  
  
“Kat, they’ve seen you stick your tongue down my throat enough times to already be more than aware of whats going on. You’re suddenly shy or something?”  
  
Her blush intensified if possible, she suspected her whole body was turning bright red and that was incredibly disheartening considering her legs were bare. She pressed her face against his chest, trying to hide herself but acutely aware that there was no hiding.  
  
“Oh come on, not even Christine and Paul were this annoying about it guys. Ya don’t have to rub it in.”   
  
A familiar voice rang through Kitty’s ears but she remained with her face pressed to Butch’s chest.  
  
“Wally? They let you out so soon?”   
  
Butch voice vibrated through her and she felt it sent a small vibration to her core that she pressed her legs together to suppress. They hadn’t been “intimate” since that last time and it felt like ages and ages. She burned for him and it was all the more obvious now, in a setting where she absolutely shouldn’t.  
  
“Yeah, the old man apparently died from a weak heart or something. Amata said I wasn’t to blame so there was no reason to keep me locked up.”  
  
Kitty felt that hard to believe, last she had talked to Amata it had seemed like quite the opposite, she had put blame on Wally and Butch for that matter above everyone else. She had assumed she let Butch off the hook since he had brought her back but why she had forgiven Wally remained a mystery.  
  
She created distance between them despite her body screaming at her not to so she could search the room for her friend, but she was nowhere to be found.  
  
“Where’s Amata?” She asked Wally  
  
“In the bathroom last I checked, she’s been in there for quite some time though.”  
  
Kitty gave Butch a quick peck before heading off, Amata wasn’t one to be vulnerable around people but she was a very emotional person nonetheless. Kitty worried something was wrong, it would almost be stranger if it wasn’t considering all that had went down in the last few weeks.  
  
“Amata? You in there?”  
  
“Yea-yeah, one sec.”  
  
Her voice sounded weird, like it was a little slurred.   
  
“You doin’ okay?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah ish fine. Just had a little much to drink is all.”  
  
Kitty felt a chill of worry, she hadn’t seen Amata drink all too many times but she hadn’t ever heard her sound any different as a consequence.  
  
“Maybe have a glass of water? You sounds three sheets to the wind if you don’t mind my saying so.”  
  
The bathroom door was yanked open fully and Kitty bit her tongue as she saw the state Amata was in. Her eye makeup was smeared and she seemed unsteady on her feet.   
  
“Lighten up Kitty, if I let loose for once in 20 years it’s not the end of the world. Stop being such a buzzkill.”  
  
Kitty couldn’t argue with her logic, but Amata’s dads recent passing had her feeling like she should atleast keep an eye on her friend.  
  
“Okay, okay, but unless you want to black out I suggest you drink a little bit of water nonetheless. The alcohol wont stop working and you can drink for longer if you do it in moderation.”  
  
Amata let out a humorless chuckle as she stumbled past her friend before answering her in a hushed tone.  
  
“That your medical opinion?”  
  
She didn’t stick around for an answer but instead she slumped down on the couch next to Freddie who seemed to be playing a cardgame with Wally of all people.  
  
Kitty clicked her tongue, it was true Amata rarely let loose and she didn’t seem to want her help. She figured she should keep her distance and intervene if needed, luckily enough the people here were more or less family.   
  
She spotted Butch sitting on a loveseat, flipping his lighter in his usual fidgeting ways, she went over to sit next to him but he steered him so she was plopped down on his lap.  
  
“She okay nosebleed?” He asked, his tone hushed  
  
“In all honesty? I have no clue.”  
  
“She’s a big girl Kitty Kat, she can handle herself.”  
  
“I guess, but I haven’t seen her like this before, it’s freaky. She’s always seemed like she’s in control of everything and everyone.”  
  
“Maybe that’s the point, could you imagine that type of pressure? Now she’s overseer too, that just adds to the people she needs to stick her neck out for.”  
  
“I guess, it’s in my nature to worry though.”  
  
She was looking over to her friend, seeing her acting much more freely than she’d ever seen her act before. She knew that freedom of finally letting go and she wanted to back off, but she didn’t know how to distract herself.  
  
She felt calloused hands taking a gentle hold of her chin to bring her gaze back to Butch, gentle blue eyes steadying her and bringing her back from a burst of anxiety she hadn’t been aware had bubbled up inside of her.  
  
“If it’s any comfort I’ve seen her like this before, the first few times after your suspensions she turned to the sauce for comfort I suppose. Hell I should know better than most the comfort it can bring, some can drink casually but you shouldn’t drink to lull existing feelings. We can keep an eye on her eh? But you need to trust her too, that girl is proud as all hell, if you don’t back off she’s just gonna bite your head off.”  
  
Kitty burrowed her head into his shoulder, comforting herself on his familiar scent. She figured he was right, trust until you have reason not to. Otherwise she might feel like she was being talked down to.  
  
“I think I need a drink ironically.”  
  
She heard the clink of a glass and looked up to see that familiar purple liquid from that first time and she smiled.  
  
“You remembered huh?”  
  
She suddenly forgot her worries; this was strangely sweet, such a small detail really, but that was what made it meaningful to her.   
  
She took the glass and sat up looking at him while she sipped it.  
  
“That color lip is positively sinful on ya Kitty Kat, you look like one of those prewar gals.”  
  
She giggled beside herself, oh so this was some fantasy of his now was it?  
  
“You want me to leave a pretty stain on you huh?”  
  
She didn’t get an answer, only a searing hot kiss that had her grateful for having his body as support. He had gotten bolder with her, didn’t take things quite as slow and gentle as he had before, she supposed that was one good thing with showing him she could leave. The cost may have been too high in the scheme of things, but this reward of him wanting her as close as possible at any given time was worth its weight in gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you tumblr people for helping me with my english!


	4. I'm human too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slightly shorter chapter, sorry for being so slow to update I've had some medical problems for a while so I haven't been quite up for it.

As the night when on Kitty’s eyes we’re constantly snaking over from Butch’s tries to distract her. She knew he was right, she couldn’t butt in and tell Amata what to do with her life but that was so much ingrained into their friendship it was like she had to reset how her own mind worked.   
  
Amata had always been more of the protector and while Kitty felt she was simply being young in a way she hadn’t been allowed before her gut feeling told her that she needed to look out for her friend. But she also knew that if she jumped in before Amata felt she actually needed her it would have the opposite effect, or atleast that’s what she knew Butch was trying to tell her.  
  
As her eyes snaked over to her friend again she saw Amata straddling Freddie and she went to stand up out of instinct. How much had she had to drink?  
  
But she felt Butch strong hand on her wrist pulling her back down.  
  
“Don’t.” He said in a pleading tone which she promptly ignored.   
  
“She slurred back there, I don’t want her to do something she will regret.” She muttered as the waltzed over, poking at her friends shoulder.  
  
“What the fuck do you want Kitty?” Amata snarled and turned to her, her posture unsteady as she tried staring her friend down.  
  
“You sure this is a good idea Amata? You look like you’ve had a little too much for comfort.”  
  
Kitty looked down at Freddie, he had a dopey look on his face, probably plastered too if her initial look was anything to go by.  
  
“Oh shut up already, I didn’t go barging in when you and Butch we’re at it now did I? Piss off would you.”  
  
Kitty felt a dagger in her chest, what was going on here? This girl had been her best friend forever, they had never really fought before, not since they we’re kids atleast and even then it didn’t feel quite this hostile…  
  
“I just want to be there for you, you’ve had a lot on your plate lately.”  
  
“Yeah well I didn’t have the luxury of sitting on my ass for 10 months now did I? Mind your own business okay?”  
  
Kitty was dumbstruck, looking down at what looked like her friend as she continued _exploring_ Freddie to put it politely.  
  
She felt like she was in a trance, why was she suddenly being treated like the enemy? She couldn’t understand what she had done to deserve to be brushed off like this.   
  
She pushed Amata back more forcefully, her hurt turning to anger.   
  
“Why the fuck are you being like this? I’m just trying to protect you from your grief, can’t you see that I’ve been there too and just want to help?!”  
  
She felt a hand pull at the collar of her dress, angry yet unsteady dark brown eyes looking into hers.   
  
“I’ve never been allowed mistakes Kitty Kat, let me fucking try what it’s like to fail why don’t you? You don’t have to take care of people older than you, you don’t fucking have to be in charge. Don’t pretend you know what I’m going through!”  
  
She looked up over towards where Susie sat and it was like Kitty could see the cogs turning in her friends drunken mind.  
  
“You’re going with Susie on that first visit to Megaton.”  
  
“What?”   
  
“Yeah, see it as your punishment for risking peoples lives because of your emotional outbursts. Atleast what I’m doing is only risking myself, but you, you went out there knowing people would follow. People who had never ventured out there, you risked lives because you can’t think past your own perspective.”  
  
Kitty looked down at her feet, tears burning behind her eyes. It didn’t seem fair, a mission in the wasteland with Susie would force them to work together. It was too soon, even if the thought made sense on some twisted level with how the vault was set up it just felt like a wound being strewn salt over.  
  
“Enjoy your evening.” She hissed through her teeth as she returned to Butch.   
  
Butch looked concerned as she returned, he must’ve seen that shit play out and she was grateful he hadn’t intervened. Amata being unfair or not was still their business, people seeing it felt less important than him respecting that boundary, he knew they were like sisters. But this just felt… Malicious.  
  
“I’m sorry Kitty Kat, I tried warning you, shes apparently been snappy since getting that new office after your return.”  
  
“Please, just don’t, I know you mean well but I just don’t want to think right now.”  
  
She sat down in his lap, kissing him deeply with her hand pulling his collar to close their distance, a surprised sound escaping him as her tongue suddenly entered his mind. It didn’t feel happy, but it felt like he was her comfort, she wanted to soak him in and forget this bullshit. Being rash with him felt okay, she trusted him, loved him even. She needed to cling to this comfort to hold back her other feelings that threatened to spill over. What could’ve happened in such a short amount of time to make Amata change like this? It must be the pressure, the grief, all of these things piling up on too young shoulders. She couldn’t force Amata to accept her feeling on top of all of the lives of the vault, after 20 years of her being strong for Kitty she needed to allow this anger. She needed to be allowed flaws and Kitty needed to respect that. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, that didn’t mean that she still felt it wasn’t entirely okay. But she steadied herself, tried to think positively, forced herself to swallow her anger for now. Amata was the best person she’d ever known, the kindest and most thoughtful, but she was human too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping I'm not making any one character too flawless, I wan't them all to be flawed and human so if you notice me favouring anyone too much please let me know, I have only been writing regularly for a little over a month so I'm bound to mess up anyhow.


	5. Who gets to decide what's right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter, trying to get back to writing step by step. Comments are what makes me keep going so if you enjoy my story I would love to hear why, it makes me feel energized to keep going!

Kitty felt the fabric of her vault suit clinging to her skin, she was covered in cold sweat, still not back to her usual headspace after what had just happened.  
  
How could eyes so vividly portray the soul leaving the body, how could she have killed another person and what if that man had a family? What if he was just having a horrible family situation and went to take it out on someone else, she couldn’t justify killing him like that. It felt coldblooded, no relief from a sense of justice helping her mind settle.  
  
Susie seemed to have become shaken too, clutching that strange pendant Kitty hadn’t seen before. It was silver, shaped like a classic pendant that would open to – well Kitty had always associated those types of necklaces with pictures. But instead Susies pendant seemed to have a fold out thick needle-like _thing_ , she hadn’t gotten a good enough look at it from her short look at it but she could only assume it was self made.  
  
She was now sat there across from Kitty, opening and closing that same pendant, staring blankly at the dirty wall of the small Megaton apartment. After the man had gone down Jenny Stahl had shooed them off saying she would “take care of it” neither of the girls were in a headspace to question whatever that meant but were rather thankful of not having to see the corpse of what had used to be a man lying there.  
  
Susie let out a humorless chuckle to break the silence building up like a thick suffocating cloth between them.  
  
“He looked like he was just taking a fucking nap, only his eyes were wide open, he would’ve fit right in with my brothers.”  
  
Kitty supposed that was meant as a joke but she couldn’t seem to make any sort of sound.  
  
Dead eyes, rigor mortis would set in after a few hours and it was important to make sure the body was bent in a way in which it would be easy to transport. He was laying on his side – too stretched out, they would have to chop him up.  
  
She had never actually seen such a process, the dead in the vault were cremated and that wasn’t part of her own work assignment but she had read regarding decomposition the week after she started in the clinic. She could only make herself read the basics though, the details too grim for her to stomach, but it was one of those memories that stuck no matter how hard you will yourself to press it out of your mind.  
  
Susie didn’t seem to mind the other girl’s silence but instead continued.  
  
“Makes me look like even more of an asshole for making the moves on your boyfriend after you saved my life and all that.”  
  
To that Kitty snorted, finally seeming to have regained her voice atleast a little bit.  
  
Susie seemed calmer now, not as shock struck as Kitty it seemed, it made sense in some ways, she wasn’t the one to pull the trigger.  
That whole situation with Butch seemed so unimportant in comparison, stupid teenage nonsense that wasn’t worth their time of day, she supposed that fact to be a sort of mercy. Things became put into a perspective that made perceived feuds unimportant. She had chose to save Susie, that had to mean something in the scheme of things didn’t it? She wasn’t on to turn to god anymore, but she remembered that killing was considered a deadly sin and that somehow made her stomach drop further with every labored breath.  
  
Blurry – that was the right word for it, the world seemed to be going in and out of focus in front of her eyes. Stained wooden walls and crates covered in dust, not seeing them clearly could be considered a blessing if you were optimistic enough.  
  
“I guess I was just always jealous is all.” Susie mumbled  
  
Kitty’s eyes shifted into focus suddenly, it was as if those words had been the key to her own consciousness.  
  
“Huh?” She answered, focusing her eyes on the now strangely weak looking girl.  
  
Had she ever seen Susie look sad before? She always thought of Susie as the headstrong type of sort that didn’t think… Well at all. It made things easier that way, not thinking too deep on motivations behind people who beat down on you for years and years.  
  
“Well I guess… I just guess people looking happy is hard for me you know?” Susie murmured under the silence, not wanting to actually grant comfort but being forced to due to the circumstances.  
  
Kitty shuddered, looking up at the other girl and locking eyes across the room, they had sat as far away from eachother as they could. The kids of the vault had a strange bond, they weren’t (most likely) what you’d compare to siblings but they had a bond nonetheless. Kitty had never had a sibling but when she looked over to Susie, knowing all of their history, she knew she would have shot that scum again. But that didn’t help her own sense of guilt, it was taught into her bones, Christianity was righteousness in her mind, her father had passed on as much to her. But she had never actually bothered to read the entirety of the bible, it felt too judgemental from the word of mouth she had heard. It was always used as a tool to make her obey, never instilling love or comfort into her soul the way she knew it supposedly should from how others seemed to experience it.  
  
Suddenly it seemed like an anchor weighing her down from thinking about this situation as something understandable however. At the time it had seemed so clear, it was either this man who would do what he pleased to someone else and he deserved death if he thought so little of people surrounding him. It wasn’t that she necessarily regretted that decision as it was made, it was that she had been taught from childhood that killing another being was a one way ticket to hell unless she truly repented, and that was the worst of it for her. She didn’t repent, couldn’t ever see herself repent.  
  
Susie’s voice continued but it felt far away to the other girl, yet she managed to listen – needed to.  
  
“We all heard these fairytale like stories of love, how it was supposed to mend you and make you better somehow. That one person of the opposite gender was your true way to comfort and freedom. But I never saw myself fitting into that kind of thing you know? I never truly felt it in my bones that I wanted a guy and it made me feel like something was wrong with me. I tried to force it, first with Freddie and then with… Well with Butch.”  
  
Kitty’s eyes traced back up, having looked down in her own self deprication as she heard words that she felt deserved being heard, even though she didn’t feel like she had the tools to understand them.  
  
“So I guess… Well I know, that I stopped thinking about that someone else might feel that way that I had read about. I just wanted to feel like I was right, like maybe if I just tried hard enough I could be the way I was taught was right. But I never did, I just felt more and more like everything about me was wrong and you were the one caught inbetween all that and that wasn’t fair.”  
  
Susie continued, her voice sounding as if she was holding back something much bigger than Kitty could fathom.  
  
They had never been people to share anything of substance with one another, this was turning into something deeper than Kitty knew what to do with, but she didn’t want to take anything away from the trust she felt she had been given.  
  
“Why? Why are you telling me this Susie?” Kitty finally panted, hearing those same bible verses she had been beating herself with in her mind now stretching further. Feeling the need to tell them to shut up and go away.  
  
“Because you saved me even though I was prepared for you not to, I always knew you were one of those people who valued that book of rights and wrongs. I assumed you would take what I did and punish me for it… But you didn’t. There was something that made you choose to save me over being so goddamn righteous and I had never felt that before.”  
  
It was as if a clouded sky had turned clear in front of Kitty’s eyes, she had been so quick to disregard Susie, make her into just some bitch, had she ever considered that maybe she too was battling something bigger? She sensed there was more to it, but she didn’t want to push it, she didn’t feel deserving of more truth than Susie felt comfortable giving. It was all so confusing, it went beyond the scope of what the vault taught.  
  
She pressed her face into her palms, feeling tears of chock spilling over from a night filled with new experiences that felt beyond her capacity.  
  
Sitting like that for a moment she felt warm arms envelope her form, a sweet scent mixed in with that of sweat and the sight of a reddish blonde lock in front of her eyes. No, she couldn’t be protected again like this, Susie was putting something like this in front of her and she didn’t want her weakness to overcome her.  
  
“I would’ve killed him again, I don’t regret it.” She sobbed as she returned Susie’s hug, it was what little she felt was within her power to manage at the time, letting this person she valued despite never having been close know that they mattered to her.  
  
“I know that now, thank you for telling me.” Susie responded with a whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an added note, the characters thoughts are their own and I hope I clarified why they have them. So I hope no one mistakes my writing for me excusing the man I wrote, but my own personal opinions as the writer are not important for this story.
> 
> (But in case you're curious imo he deserved to die.)


	6. No need for an audience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Re-upload because I was unsure if I had done a spell check last time and I needed to sleep.
> 
> I intended this to be a really long chapter but youre getting two parts just close by. The next part should be up in the next 24 hours so I wont be too to cruel!
> 
> Thanks for sticking by me even though I've been so slow to update! I have my spark back now I think!

“Do you know how fucking sexy you look in this dress?” Butch voice traced along Kitty’s ear like the sweetest of tunes. How had they got into this position? She didn’t really care if she was honest.  
  
She shuddered; his right hand was stroking the bare skin along her inner thigh as he closed in on her, removing the remaining distance between them enough that anyone just glancing over at them wouldn’t be able to see where his hand was going. He was leaning on his other arm against the wall trapping her in.   
  
“Shit nosebleed when did you start to look like this? You used to be such a tightass but now you seem able to let go. I wonder what’s going through that pretty head of yours, right now your breathing sounds awful shallow. Do you like me treating you like this instead? I might still pull your hair though, but I’m suspecting you might like it this time.”   
She tried to stifle a moan but it ended up coming out as a pathetic whimper. That grin of his, she hated it for other reasons now.

He chuckled at her reaction, taking pleasure in his newfound power over her. He had stolen one of those fucking novels of hers, finding out she had a taste for this sort of talk. She hated him for his perceptiveness, but also she felt her limbs turn to jelly as a result.   
  
He leaned in closer against her, his breath hot on her ear as he whispered to her, continuing his previous words. “Would you like that Kitty Kat? Me lifting up that skirt of yours right here, pushing those cute panties of yours to the side and fucking you in front of all these people? They probably wouldn’t even notice though, wouldn’t believe it if they did, nosebleed taking my dick like such a good girl in front of all of them. I might have to cover that pretty mouth of yours too, you seem like the loud type.” That last part she felt like she wanted to give a retort to, he would know if anyone, but for now the fantasy felt too delicious to break, even if it sounded like he had memorized it from that novel he had stolen from her.  
  
He pinched her thigh just below her panties as if to prove a point. He was right, she felt in that moment as if she would let him do anything to her, silly or not. Her body felt like it was on fire. His fingers were only ghosting up and down her inner thigh, giving her chills but somehow making her feel on fire at the same time.  
  
She pressed herself more wantonly against him, sealing his lips with hers and sucking down hard on his tongue, grinning as she thought back on that first kiss of theirs and how it had managed to bring them here. He grunted in response, sounding somehow manlier than she thought she’d ever heard him sound before.  
  
His mouth tasted of alcohol and smoke again, she didn’t like how he tasted when he smoked, but it felt just right for this little game he had initiated. They were still the same two people – but not really.  
  
She made her way inside his t-shirt with her right hand and stroked with it along his stomach. Feeling his soft skin and the trail of sparse hairs leading down from his navel to where she most longed to touch him now. She wanted to be bold, but she couldn’t quite make herself take that final leap with an audience, but to her own horror a great big part of her wanted to – yearned to even.  
  
Breaking their kiss to look down to where her hand was trailing felt intoxicating as she did so, she wasn’t drunk – atleast not on alcohol, but even though she and Butch had consummated their relationship once – or maybe three times before, she still felt as if every inch of his skin remained unexplored territory.  
  
His breath remained hot on her ear as she pulled his collar closer, making sure no one could see her movements from behind this wall of a man. His scent bore into her, making her feel dizzy by her own desire, everything about him had her bewitched and like she would follow him anywhere if need bel. With one hand she stroked along the side of his neck, searching with her eyes along the room for if anyone was looking before softly delving down inside his pants to grab ahold of him.  
  
She heard him release a small whimper at this unexpected contact of skin as she grabbed a firm hold of his shaft, stroking it up and down with her thumb focused on its underside, hoping to pool up any of his fluids that she could, desperately wanting to taste them. It was strange how he made her so fearless, he was still Butch after all, not some suave romance hero with the strength of a warrior. But that only somehow made it all the more delicious. He alone held the power to make her feel like a mush of a person and she wanted to draw the teasing out while she also couldn’t wait to just have him fuck her as soon as possible.  
  
In her delirious state she found herself catching Wally’s eyes from across the room. It made her stiffen under Butch’s touch, was he watching them? She hid her face into the nape of Butch’s neck as if trying to hide.  
  
Butch for once didn’t seem to pick up on why she had stopped but instead chose to grind his leg in-between hers, making her see stars before they dispersed and again revealed Wally’s smug grin.  
  
Was he trying to rattle her? Making her feel as if she should be ashamed but all the while silently cheering his friend on? It made her furious to think of, but also like she now had something to prove.  
  
She continued their eye contact, shooting him defiant and angry looks that he seemed to catch up on. He was the one staring in the first place after all, he should be the one being ashamed. It was such an absurd feeling, her whole life these two _boys_ had been the bane of her existence but here they were, one of them self admittedly in love with her and the other simply watching.  
  
It made her feel a strange surge of power, like for once she was the one in the position of taunting. Wally was simply watching, Butch was his best friend and Kitty doubted he would be one to try to shame the both of them. With such a small population there was only the possibility of personal loss, Amata was straddling Freddie across the room anyhow and she was the goddamned overseer.  
  
That sealed the deal for Kitty as she lifted her one leg to give Butch better access in his search, playing lazily with his cock to tease him further. She wanted to see that look he had shown that first night in his, no their, secret hideout, the blue becoming covered by black as his eyes seemed to only see her.  
  
Butch didn’t seem to need any more encouragement as he bit down on her shoulder, earning him a loud whimper from her that was silenced down by the music of the vault radio-station.   
  
Music she had heard a multitude of times in her life off of the same old records kept by the overseer suddenly felt new and fresh as she felt Butch’s lips kissing her neck, jaw and finally her mouth. The hand still not shielding them from curious viewers searching its way down to grab her ass firmly as he ground his leg against her now very wet heat, once, twice, three times.  
  
She felt her mind drift as all she could think and feel was him on her. They weren’t even having sex yet she felt her body give into every inch of him. She was putty in his hands and he was the vice versa for her. Not seeming to think about their surroundings as she seemed overcome with the same feelings she was experiencing.  
  
He found a spot that made her mewl and she hooked both her arms around his neck in a fruitless defense, leaving his fly open and forgotten in her own delirium.  
  
“We have an audience” she murmured helplessly, trying to make it sound like less of a whine and more of a statement.  
  
He threw his head back to the side a little too obviously and met eyes with Wally. Huffing in an annoyed breath before turning his face back to hers.  
  
“So what if he sees? Is he making you uncomfortable Kitty Kat?”  
  
She whined as he seemed to have caught onto what part it was that made her weak and ferociously grinding against it, while somehow still managing to keep his fierce eye contact with her.  
  
“I don’t want him to have more material than need be is all.” She admitted through her panted breaths  
  
He did something unexpected then, lifting her up with her legs on each sides of him before mumbling something incoherent in her ear and leaving the party behind.   
  
The way out and away felt almost comical in the way they stumbled along, Butch wasn’t as suave by nature as he let on but he was also so wonderfully comfortable around her that they both seemed not to truly care about that as he made a B-line back to where their apartments met.  
  
They made their way to just outside the doors when finally his arms gave out and they fell into a messy pile of kisses.  
  
She didn’t know what she had ever done in this life to deserve this feeling of sheer happiness, this feeling of having her comfort take a human form in the one person she would’ve least expected. She hungered for him in a way she had never felt herself capable of before him. She wrapped her legs around him as he tried helplessly to get back up, earning a oomph sound out of him as his arms wrapped around her to seal her into his body heat.  
  
She needed his lips on hers again, needed any parts she could of him inside of her, his tongue, his cock, oh god just whatever she could get felt enough at that moment.  
  
The cold metallic floor made her back shiver, goosebumps trailing along her shoulders as she felt him let out hot breaths along her body to let her know where he was headed.   
  
Her face turned read, hopefully disguised by the makeup she had suddenly grown to feel comfortable applying after a few test runs.   
  
His breath snaked along her shoulder, her side and then accompanied with his rough hands it made its way up her thighs in a way that made her body feel like electricity.   
  
“D-don’t, we shouldn’t, not out here!” She panted as she realized his intended destination  
  
“Why not Kitty Kat? No one is around and I’ve been dying to taste you. You did something with your mouth on me, I’ve been wondering how to return the favor and I’m curious as to how.”  
  
She realized what this cheeky bastard was on about, they had talked about something similar in passing before, but she felt embarrassed about it. The fact was that in most of her books the pleasuring of the woman by the man wasn’t touched upon as much. She didn’t know how to guide him, she hadn’t considered it before but she yearned to find out with him. But it didn’t feel like something she was as confident in, her books where her bravery up until now after all.  
  
“Okay, okay, I will tell you what to do just not out here! I can’t think, much less talk you through… That.”

He planted small kisses along her calf while lying on his stomach across the cold floor, seemingly undisturbed by the idea that anyone could walk by at any moment.  
  
She wanted to stop him in some ways, didn’t want anyone to come upon them and ruin things, but the entirety of him, his hot skin and tongue exploring her like a rare delicacy felt like something she didn’t want to give up.  
  
“We-no, not here, please!” She panted as she felt his tongue dragging along the top of her underwear. A much louder voice inside of her wanted to urge him further, but it wasn’t smart.

  
His eyes seemed to catch on to her confliction, the blue of them making her think of the hottest part of a flame. He was going to be her demise if his touch could make her feel so deliciously powerless underneath him.  
  
“How badly do you want to be undisturbed Kitty Kat? Tell me why you don’t want an audience, what is it you’re so afraid to show?”  
  
She knew well enough what he was aiming for, this was their own playful powerplay in which he wanted her words when he knew she didn’t want to give them. She was still scared, but also braver than ever before.  
  
“I will do whatever you want Butch, please, just take me inside before someone comes over here!”  
__  
Jackpot  
  
It was written on his face like a declaration, his mischievous grin making a reappearance that made her all the more impatient.  
  
“Just fuck me Butch, please, I don’t want and audience when I’m telling you what I want from you.”  
  
“You’re gonna let me do what I want Kat? You’re gonna promise me that?” His voice seemed to barely restrain his own excitement, he wasn’t playing fair. But then again, when had he ever been known to play fair?  
  
“Yes.” Was her final answer to him, feeling more sure than she cared to admit to herself from there on out.  
  
His warm arms enveloped her once more as he found her key, having learned by now that she was fearless enough to stash it in her bra since dresses so sorely lacked in pockets.  
  
His touch left goosebumps in its wake, but she had no time to relish in his effect on her before he had managed to take them both inside. Stumbling into the small hallway and almost tripping over, as she heard the door close behind them it was as if all of her fears melted away, all that mattered was the two of them right then and there.   
  
“Fuck me, please Butch, I need you.” She panted into his ear, one of his dark locks tickling along her nose as she felt him carry her to their intended destination.   



	7. Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's smut-time my peeps, consider this your reward for being so patient with me. It's one of the most mushy things I've ever written and I loved writing it, so I hope you will enjoy reading it too!

Her bed sank down in a way she hadn’t experienced before, the added weight making old springs croak as if screaming for them both to get off.   
  
His body enveloped hers, between heated kisses they both tried their best to undress one another – Butch seemed to have become quicker since the last time, having found out how to unhook her bra with ease. She felt a blush strike her all the way down to her shoulders as she saw him searching along her body with his eyes, she felt like she was his and he was hers. It was such a wonderful feeling of feeling fulfilled emotionally by another person, but as he finally removed the last of his clothing, letting her explore his tanned body once more she wanted to just physically be filled by him instead.  
  
She spread her legs playfully, crossing and uncrossing them since he was stood there watching with an almost puzzled look for a little longer than she had expected. Couldn’t he just take a hint and let her have him already?  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted as she let out a squeal, feeling his large hands grab the sides of her hips to yank her down as he laid down on his stomach, lifting himself up on the back of his arms and putting his upperbody between her legs so his face was dangerously close to her aching cunt. Suddenly she felt a powerful self-consciousness overtake her, she didn’t want to look at him, it felt embarrassing somehow, like she had nowhere to hide so all she could do was pretend this wasn’t happening.  
  
“Why won’t you look at me Kitty Kat? Didn’t you say you would allow me to do what I wanted?”  
  
Her hands reached up to cover her face, why did he have to have a memory at all, this felt like too much.  
  
“I was actually hoping you wanted something else!” She half-laughed  
  
“You’re good with your mouth Kitty Kat, I wanna be a good boyfriend and return the favor.”   
  
His voice sounded smug, like he had her all figured out and knew just what buttons to push. That was the first time he had used that word and of course she felt her entire body tingle all over.  
  
There was a momentary silence between them before she looked down at him from in-between her fingers, seeing him smiling at her warmly. How could he go from looking like a demon to such an angel so quickly?   
  
“…Say that word again.”   
  
She finally mouthed, a blush so fierce it felt like she might burst from it covering her from head to toe.  
  
“What word might that be? Can’t remember clearly, I am just real forgetful ya see.”   
  
_Fucking asshole  
  
_ “This another one of your games Deloria?”   
  
 After trying to give him her best glare she suddenly gasped as she felt him blow out a hot breath against her still soaking opening.   
  
“Might be, I am partial to ‘em, as you might have figured by now.”   
  
He grinned at her, stroking with his one hand up and down her inner thigh, making her get goosebumps all over. He was a 20 year old guy but suddenly he seemed to have developed self-restraint, it was as if he had developed to the next level of his assholism and she wanted to smack him – or fuck him, probably both.  
  
Another breath hit her like fire as she thought of what to answer – definitely both.  
  
“Tell me you’re my boyfriend again and I’ll try and not look away, does that sound fair?”   
  
Her voice was shaky, she wanted this but she felt so exposed. No book had ever prepared her for this step, without a roll to fall back on she felt… Scared somehow.   
  
As that thought struck her she felt the first sensation of his hot mouth ghosting over her again before giving her a quick lick right at her core.  
  
_Was she clean enough? Would he think she was disgusting? Oh god this is how this all ended wasn’t it?  
  
_ Her hands clamped over her eyes once more, as if preparing herself for some great revelation that he no longer liked her. But instead of the nightmare scenario in her head she squeaked as she felt his tongue take another _much more firm_ lick and then a few more.  
  
It felt otherworldly, ticklish but somehow wonderful at the same time and for every lick she felt she felt it brought her a little closer. It wasn’t that he was technically skilled, he was simply trying his way out, but it was so incredibly sexy knowing his mouth was on her like this. She knew that if he only kept this up alone she could probably come from that alone simply because of how new and wonderful it felt.  
  
“You better tell this boyfriend of yours when I’m doing something good Kat, otherwise I will simply indulge myself for as long as you let me.”   
  
His voice was that of a low grumble, causing her to shudder as she felt it vibrate through her legs.  
  
“I d-don’t know what you can do! This is such a strange feeling to begin with, oh my god!”  
  
Her voice sounded shriller and she spasmed a little as she felt his tongue hit her clit and as she felt him stop momentarily she knew she was doomed.  
__  
Too perceptive  
  
“You know, you’re a terrible liar Kat.” His voice had regained that notorious cockiness of his  
  
She thought to give him a snyde response in sheer defense, but then he sucked down on her bud, the pleasure hitting her like a lightning bolt.  
  
“Please, oh god, don’t stop!” She moaned  
  
Her mind was turning to mush as he assaulted her with his mouth in response to her words -  shame could no longer be heard in her head, all she needed was more.  
  
Lithe, desperate fingers searched their way into his hair as she felt her orgasm building up quickly, almost too quickly and she felt like she needed something to hold on to or she might fly away. She wanted to hear him say that word again - that he was her boyfriend, but she was also very partial to what he was already pre-occupied using his mouth for.   
  
She felt his fingers joining his mouth, as if he was exploring different ways of making her coo, she felt like he might be able to see right through her because everything he did felt wonderful.  
  
Her orgasm hit her, hard, like she needed to let go of him but hold onto him harder at the same time. Her legs could no longer stay upright, they shuddered at the sheer strength at which the hot clutching waves of pleasure went at her and she desperately tried closing her legs around his head as if urging him to slow down.   
  
As the high calmed down she felt his lips enveloping hers again, she could taste herself on him and that made the afterchocks of her orgasm almost stab at her in their descent.  
  
She looked down after breaking their kiss for a moment to see the glistening pre-cum gathered at the head of his now rock hard cock. Her hand went to stroke against it, doing what she had longed to do earlier and gathering the clear liquid at the tip of her finger and bringing it to her mouth.  
  
His eyes were nearing all black, she could finally see that he wasn’t made of stone either, but he had given her the upper hand here.  
  
“Say it again.”   
  
She mewled stroking with the hand she wasn’t playing with him with along the side of his glistening face. Lining his cock up to her opening with the other, probably too sensitive for it but drunken enough off of him not to care.  
  
“I love you.” He muttered, as he sheathed himself inside of her in one long stroke  
  
Letting out a small yelp at the intrusion Kitty dragged her nails hard down along his back, hearing him groan as he finally could seek his own release.  
  
The sounds her cunt made after his hard work sounded positively filthy to her, making her body build up another orgasm that she didn’t know if she would be able to handle when it hit.  
  
“You haven’t said your line nosebleed.” He panted into her ear, using that stupid nickname even now  
  
“What line?” She managed to answer with a shaky voice  
  
“If Im your boyfriend, so then what are you to me.”   
  
He admitted, somehow almost sounding strangely vulnerable while fucking her, slow, unforgiving, deliberate strokes making her see stars.  
  
“I’m your girlfriend?” She answered him, her voice unsure since she felt it was a strange request  
  
But it was apparently the one he wanted as she felt possessive arms envelop her tighter and his hips speeding up.   
  
She saw that tinge of pink along his shoulders as she buried her face in the crook of his neck, feeling that orgasm relentlessly making its way back. Was he embarrassed to ask? Sometimes he would be so sweet, so vulnerable and almost boyish in his search for her love. She longed to get to see this side more often, but for now she hoped she could indulge that need for him as much as she could.  
  
“I’m yours Butch, I belong to you and you alone.” She whispered to him, feeling vulnerable too now, kissing below his ear gently as if to show her sincerity.  
  
He slowed down for a while, pulling his head back for a moment to look down at her, eyes filled with passion – but now also with something else, love.  
  
She felt like she might cry if she didn’t watch herself closely enough so she kissed him fiercely again, moving her hips to meet his and feeling him speeding up again.  
  
He sat them up, putting their combined weights on the front of his calves as he bore himself up into her. She grabbed around his neck to steady herself as his pace became more relentless.  
  
Their foreheads pressed together as she sensed he was close – so was she.  


“Won’t last much longer Kat, tell me again.” He huffed, and pressed her close enough to where she had a hard time breathing  
  
“I’m yours, I’m only yours and you’re mine. I want to be with you forever, give you kids and become your wife. Oh please Butch I just want this to last forever.”  
  
He kissed her again, more fiercely than ever before as he hilted inside her one last time. She came as she felt him pressing inside her with intention, as if he wanted to put her words where her mouth was. It felt like a dare, one she felt more than anything that she wanted to uphold.  
  
She just wanted to always be his, only his


	8. Speaking her language

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got so many nice comments that I may or may not have had a lil cry yesterday (you can't prove shit) 
> 
> So here I am with another chapter, I'm in the mood of seeing my babies grow while keeping in mind that they are all fairly young and angry, but with ooey gooey centers.
> 
> Also who could've guessed that I have grown to love Susie.

The clanking of empty bottles and the creaking of the floor rang through the apartment, neither Kitty nor Susie were truly comfortable talking again just yet despite their earlier bonding moment. The air may have cleared between them but now it felt as if they just needed some time apart – but with such a cramped and cluttered space (not to mention the raiders lurking outside) they chose to stay close while doing so.  
  
One thing however seemed to be available for the both of them to do right then and there and that was cleaning the place up. It seemed straight forward enough, just move all of the crap that they couldn't do anything with into one corner and the stuff they could use into another.  
  
The house felt more solid during the nighttime, the walls having holes here and there wasn’t as obvious without the daylight creeping through the cracks.  
Kitty’s mind was still in the midst of processing, she felt as if she was working on autopilot in the moment and the straightforwardness of the task ahead was atleast some comfort to her. Staring out into the void didn’t seem like the best of plans for now.  
  
It was oh so quiet out here during the night, no buzz of the ventilation system to act as whitenoise to cancel her thoughts out. But she had found the charm of a new whitenoise despite all of that.  
  
_Susie swore like a goddamned pirate when she was focused.  
  
_ “Fuckin’ men, makin’ fuckin’ messes for no goddamned reason other than to get their tiny dicks wet, making me stay inside for my first night outside of that tincan of a place, this is some goddamned bullshit I’ll tell you that much.” Susie’s voice echoed menacingly through the place  
  
Her murmurs had started at around the same time they had decided on the task ahead, it seemed to help her stay on track and it was at a low enough level that it was almost calming. Kitty chuckled to herself feeling as if she was spending the night with a furious yet small pirate. _  
  
_ “Should go back and stomp that fucker’s face in, making me take care of a mess I didn’t even make to begin with. Are we sure Stevie hasn’t already been out here? Because this place looks like one of his fucking mess’s lemme tell ya.”  
  
Susie continued, pulling on something that seemed to be stuck in the floor and adding a creaking to her symphony of complains.  
  
Before she knew it Kitty had a bright grin on her face, Susie’s voice had a way of putting you to work, she had found around about 18 empty nuka cola bottles by now and she had stacked them in a triangle-like shape. It wasn’t the most helpful thing to do as far as cleaning went but it was something she could be detail oriented about. She was after all masterly at doing smallwork from sitting behind a desk trying to entertain herself for 10 months.  
  
She finally found what would make the top and center of the tower when she saw Susie stand with her hands on either side of her hips eyeing the strange construction.  
  
“What the fuck is this supposed to be Andersson? Weren’t we supposed to clean this shack up, this seems like you’re playing around instead.”  
  
Susie had two distinct voices – well three if you counted the sugary sweet one she had when she talked to Freddie sometimes. She was either about to tear you a new one or she talked matter of factly, in other words you never knew what she was thinking unless she was pissed off.  
  
_Right now she definitely sounded pissed off._  
  
Kitty thought about if she could perhaps just go hide underneath that big toppled over obnoxiously red couch in the corner, but that would probably only make the other girl madder.  
  
“I just needed something to focus on I suppose, it’s not like we don’t have the time?” She answered Susie, feeling suddenly like a scolded child.  
  
She turned around to look around if the bottle had a cap to close it with, ever the stickler for detail – or maybe just ever the procrastinator?  
  
There was a tumbling sound and Kitty felt the hairs on her neck stand on end  
  
_that bitch did NOT just do what I think she did._

But her premonition turned out to be accurate as she turned around to see angry green eyes staring her down, bottles spread all over the place and her hour of work laid to waste.  
  
“What? Didn’t you just say that we have time? Then fucking do it again why don’t you.”  
  
Susie’s grin as she stared Kitty down made her feel a way she couldn’t make out to begin with, but then it hit her like a bolt of lightning – rage.  
  
The next point of action didn’t feel like a choice, it was instinctual, years of frustration and a shorter time of sheer anger culminating into an explosion of fury.  
  
They toppled about, Kitty’s fists flailing about and trying to find their intended target only to hit down into the floor, causing clouds of dust to poof up here and there like clouds and her knuckles to get scratched.  
  
Susie’s knee hit the back of Kitty’s ass hard and that seemed to spur her on to pay more attention. She was at a disadvantage she realized, they were both about the same size but Susie was quicker, more perceptive regarding where Kitty’s next punch would strike and likely more experienced.  
  
Kitty jumped off, creating distance between the two, Susie followed and thus they began a strange circling of one another.  
  
“What the fuck was that good for, huh?” Kitty growled, her breathing labored from the exercise  
  
“If you’re gonna waste time if I don’t breathe down your neck this is what you get, you’re too focused on the bullshit that you don’t see the bigger picture.”  
  
A chill ran down Kitty’s spine, that was surprisingly philosophical coming from Susie and it seemed to stem from more than just the cleaning.  
  
“So this is your way of spending my time better huh? Fighting like little kids?”  
  
Her voice was still slightly labored, reminding her that she had better to focus on things other than deskwork in the future unless she wanted her ass handed to her by Susie more than once.  
  
Susie suddenly lunged at the other girl, tackling her to the floor and making her release a loud oomph at the contact. Kitty’s arms were held down by the back of Susie’s arm, their differences in strength making her unable to move.  
  
“You forget what happened earlier already Andersson? People out here don’t play nice, if you can’t even fight back to me how’re you supposed to fight back if one of them jumps you huh?”  
  
Her green eyes seemed to shine in the darkness, Kitty might’ve been out of her element but Susie seemed like she was right in hers.  
  
“Are you actually trying to help me by beating me up?” Kitty asked, the disbelief clear in her voice  
  
“Let’s just say that if you were the one he got his claws into out there, I don’t think our odds would’ve been too good if you can’t even fight _me_ off.”  
  
Susie’s face hovered over Kitty’s as she spoke, as if daring her to fight back. But then Kitty had a thought, this girl had after all grown up with Stevie and Wally.  
  
She pressed her face upwards, knocking her head against Susie’s – hard, making her lose balance and tumble over backwards.  
  
Kitty knew all she had over Susie at this point was playing dirty, using the element of surprise while she still had it at her disposal.  
  
But that’s where her plan stopped, she saw stars and her head hurt badly at the sudden contact. That’s when she saw something around Susie’s neck glistening – that’s right, the pendant.  
  
Yanking it off of the other girl unceremoniously, causing the chain to snap and making Susie release a small gasp, now she at the very least had some form of weaponry. She had her gun too of course but this wasn’t the type of fight meant to end in death.  
  
She stood and aimed it towards Susie as if she was holding some kind of sword, probably looking incredibly stupid while doing so.  
  
Susie rubbed her forehead and looked up at her with a grin, her hand still ruffling between her rose gold curls that had sprung free from their fight.  
  
“That’s more like it, next time you’re thinking about running off or be so goddamned emotionally constipated, how about you just punch ‘em huh? Might cause a black-eye, but a black-eye sure beats dying over some snotty teenager throwing a fit and running away.”  
  
Kitty scoffed at that, was she getting a behavioural lesson from the likes of Susie? Really? It stung her chest to hear too, she had told herself as much more than enough times.  
  
“Well atleast I don’t go around throwing myself at any guy in sight.”  
  
She regretted it as soon as she said it, it was a dumb, immature retort and yet she had chose to say it.  
  
“I’d rather be a whore than the cause of the death of a loved one.”  
  
Susie’s eyes were suddenly so clear, focused and unwavering as she seemingly managed to stare Kitty down while remaining seated.  
  
Kitty threw the pendant away and turned her head down, she knew Susie was right and yet she didn’t feel like she could back down fully.  
  
“I saved _you_ atleast didn’t I? No one died and that anyone got into danger to begin with was on me, but I killed someone so they wouldn’t kill you. I know you don’t believe in the bible, but I have it ingrained in me that it’s the only right way to live and according to it I am going to hell for saving you.” Her words felt big, but she felt incredibly small saying them nonetheless  
  
“That’s fair I suppose.” Susie murmured  
  
Kitty heard Susie stand back up and dust herself off, looking up to meet her gaze once more.  
  
“Just don’t fucking do it again, you’re not the only one who cares for those people – romantically or no.” Susie stated, her voice firm and clear.  
  
“I won’t.”

Kitty stated, meeting her eyes with all the clarity she felt inside. She knew she had been an idiot, knew she had risked the people she loved over her own stupid jealousy and that she had to do better.  
  
Susie’s hand went up to pat Kitty’s shoulder a few times, a sort of buddy-like way that made Kitty arch one of her brows in response before she felt a fist hit her jaw.  
  
“That’s for calling me a slut.” She declared  
  
“That’s fair.” Kitty groaned


	9. What you don't know won't hurt you

They managed to clear just enough space to put their bedrolls down next to one another’s, it was like the air between them had cleared even though they now both sported a few more bruises than when they had started. To their great fortune the stacked tower of empty nuka colas falling down had only caused a few of the bottles to break, so there was space still clear enough of shards where they could lay down. The stairs leading to the next floor were too rickety for any of them to be able to argue about trying to make space between them for sleep. So here they were, splayed out next to one another and staring up into the ceiling.  
  
Sleep didn’t come easy however, Kitty still had the face of that man splayed like a picture mounted on the inside of her eyelids. There was no helping it for now and part of her longed for something strong to numb the guilt still lingering in the pit of her stomach.  
  
Susie had picked the locket back up after their fight and she was in the process of unhooking part of the chain to make it whole again. She hadn’t seemed to perturbed about it breaking and there were a few pieces of the chain that was differently colored than the rest, alluding to that she had mended it many times before.  
  
“What is that thing even?” Kitty managed to ask after a while  
  
“Oh this? Well you’ve met my brothers, they aren’t ones to back down just because you’re smaller.”  
Her voice sounded annoyed, like she didn’t really wanna talk but she was making an effort to nonetheless.  
  
“We were all adopted you know, this locket was originally something left to me by my first mom and I’ve always thought of myself as more practical anyhow. I think she would’ve understood if she’d been there the few times I’ve had to use it, or maybe she wouldn’t but the dead don’t get a say.” She continued  
  
“Wally too?”  
  
“Nah, he’s the better one I guess, always were more of a talker than a fighter, which makes that whole overseer business all the more weird to me. I’d have expected as much from Stevie, but Wally? That shit caught me off guard, and I probably would’ve had a hard time believing it if I wasn’t _right there_ when it happened.”  
  
Kitty felt as if she had a frog in her throat – whatever those were. Did Susie know everything about Stevie then? What he was capable of and so on? She couldn’t imagine she did, or maybe she could but she just didn’t want to open that door. Was it okay to ask or should she just leave it, it was probably a better idea not to mention it but a part of her gnawed at her to do so.  
  
“Anyway, I can’t say I am too sad about how that old kook died if I’m honest, I’m more so just sorry for Amata.” Susie continued  
  
“Yeah, she seems like she doesn’t want help but also needs it more than ever.” Kitty admitted  
  
“Well you and I don’t know one another all that well but I’d suggest letting her come to you, I saw how she reacted when you tried forcing it and oh boy. I mean I would probably have done the same thing you did, don’t get me wrong, but it was also hilarious for me to be used as a punishment.”  
  
Kitty grinned, talking to Susie felt strangely free, like there was no need to hold anything back and you didn’t have to think. She wasn’t a saint by any means but she was free in a sense Kitty couldn’t ever say she’d experienced before and she appreciated that.  
  
“Well you’re absolutely proving to be just the worst.” She chuckled, turning over with her back to Susie  
  
“Bah, I can tell you’re head over heels for me already pussycat.”  
  
Susie sneered, mimicking the tone of one of those old radio hosts on the records in the radio vault.

* * *

  
James stumbled once more across that horrid bridge leading toward Rivet City, the clanking of his boots hitting the metal clanking indiscreetly along the way.  
  
He was injured after being attacked by supermutants occupying the centrum a mile away, his leg ached where a hound had bit ahold of him mercilessly. By the mercy of a stealthboy he had stashed on his person he had managed to get away despite not being a fighting man, he had grown rusty from the cozy years spent inside the buzzing walls of vault 101. It was ill advised travelling alone out here but his experience with wastelanders told him not to trust.  
  
The wind stung as tiny droplets of water travelled along with it, walking on a bridge above the irradiated waters of Washington was like getting slapped by the water, vengeful for the pollution caused by his ancestors.  
  
He took strength from the small clinking of a pendant he wore on the inside of his still donned vaultsuit that rang as an encouragement from Catherine, photographs were hard to come by out here but he did have one of the two of them that he had always carried with him before.  
  
Photographs were however fragile, and he had found a locket to store the photo in, originally he had thought to give it to his daughter, but then he’d grown selfish as the image of his late wife grew blurry with the years.  
  
She’d never even known her mother after all, what would a picture do but hurt her more in the long run, it was better kept on his person. If he showed it to her she might wish to keep it and he wasn’t enough of a monster not to agree if that had been the case.

That’s why he had never allowed her to see the woman smiling next to him on the small grainy photograph he carried with him to give him strength when he felt himself falter.  
  
Catherine had always been the one to enjoy the fantasy of the vaults, she did enjoy the occasional experiment, collecting small creatures in the wasteland and keeping them in terrariums under her watchful eyes. The first time they’d met he had stared at the strangely small being inside the glass container, rummaging along small brown plants and soil. Catherine had snuck up behind him, intrigued that he had taken interest in her studies above his own.  
  
_“They might not be free, but freedom isn’t always as appreciated as safety, and I do want them to be safe before they are free.”  
_  
He’d never been as much of an emotional being, from that day on he was simply enjoying following along with her wishes rather than questioning her regarding their origin.  
  
It had ultimately led him to that large round door of vault 101 now 20 years ago,  
  
_“Safety before freedom, the safe can long to dream of being free but the savage won’t ever long for freedom above sleeping through the night.”_  
  
He neared the door and the doorman recognized him, opening the clasp keeping the door shut without the exchange of words needed for first time visitors.  
  
He needed to find a mercenary and fast, he was close to his goal but he wasn’t a fighter and he needed to think logically before letting he would let his pride get in the way.

* * *

  
  
The beams of sunlight hit Kitty’s eyes, stinging and making her rub her face at the unexpected wakeupcall. It was such a strange concept having an alarm that there was no way of shutting off.  
  
She stretched her arms and felt a comforting warmth enveloping her, accompanied by the scent of cigarettesmoke. Was Butch here already?  
  
Turning in the way of the warmth she saw Susies sleeping face, a dribble of drool had made a dark spot onto the sleepingbag she had brought with her. She looked much more serene like this, like a little girl tired out from playing too much.  
  
Quickly she realized the warmth she had felt was from Susie spooning her and she felt a halfsmile creep up along her face.    
  
Kitty felt herself reach up to tuck one of those strawberryblonde locks of hers behind Susie’s ear, she was quite striking when you ignored the fact that they had hated eachother since childhood.  
  
She heard someone clearing their throat from behind her, a familiar sound that made her turn around less swiftly then she might’ve otherwise.  
  
Butch had seemed to have found an old chair from somewhere and sat there spreadlegged with a cigarette in han, cocking an eyebrow and smiling warmly at the scene before him.  
  
“Here I was worrying if you gal’s would be getting along, should’ve been more worried about if you were getting along too well I guess.”  
  
His tone was lowered, no doubt to avoid waking Susie up and Kitty smiled at those familiar blue eyes of his.  
  
He must’ve gotten here armed and at the ready but his hair remained pristine, looking just a tad less glossy than he managed to maintain it within the vault’s ventilated corridors.  
  
She put her tongue out towards him, wanting to flip him off, but being restrained by Susie’s left arm which was lodged firmly underneath her breasts.  
  
Eyeing them attentively he continued taking another drag of his cigarette, looking so damned sure of himself she wanted to pinch his cheeks to make him realise he was no more than another vaultbrat after all. But oh god he seemed to look ever better with natural sunlight snaking along his features.


	10. The Brotch of it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will contain graphic depictions of a mans struggle with mortality, placed face to face with a body at one point. If this is something that you do not wish to read I will mark where it starts and ends, or simply forego this one. 
> 
> If you're one of the lovely people who have left one of the comments I've had the pleasure to read I want to thank you. I haven't updated in a hot minute because I feel like I need the right headspace to do this perticular story justice and as Ive recently went back to college my mind hasnt been in the right place.
> 
> Two people in perticular have been kinder than I could ever wish and those people are sassafraz and flynnnstones. Thank you so much for coming back and giving me comments, you two have made me want to continue. Of course I appreciate all of my comments buy when people care enough about my story to come back to it, leave me feedback... Its incredibly powerful to me. I hope that doesnt make anyone uncomfortable Im just very grateful. It had given me confidence in my writing to see people responding to my works.  
> With that being said I have inspiration once more and this chapter is the first of a few I have in the works so I hope you enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The parts with more graphic mentions of a corpse will start off with a randomly placed * and end in the same way. So if thats hard for you to read just follow those two markers.

Edwin Brotch had always been a serious man, a man guided by a sense of duty above his own sense of happiness. He’d found purpose in the children of the vault, watching them grow up into the irresponsile teenagers and young adults they now were, he’d found a sense of purpose in their happiness – in their growth.

But as he’d been the very knowing reason behind the death of Alphonse Almodovar he’d felt he’d done enough, the opening of that giant circular door had been like an opening for _him_ more than anything. The children longed for freedom, as we all long for what isn’t within our reach – but would they actually gain from such freedom? He had never been one to police peoples paths in life, never wanted to be _that_ person.

He had been, he had been _exactly_ that person with her.

The girl was the one kid he felt he dared to inflict his hidden kindness upon, insecurities punched into his psyche by the ones he’d grown up with inside that same vault. Kindness was a luxury in the ways of receiving as well as handing out. There was a strange sort of comfort in the kid who didn’t quite fit in, _she reminded him of himself._

Maybe that had been in part why him seeing her engage in all of the pleasures he’d denied himself over the years had caused him such rage.

For a person to feel like they could be kind without the risk of being berated – it was a certain kind of happiness. Like a deep breath after a panic attack, lungs previously constricted as if in a way of primal self-defense finally allowing their bearer to open up once more.

Maybe it was simply his poetic side, he’d always been one to overthink after all, but now - if ever, this was a moment where his own nervousness had him pondering.

He’d snuck out of the vault one night, no children to teach allowed him to for perhaps the first time in his life… To be selfish.

His heart had always wanted him to lead him this way, so much love that he could never express in any other way than his own innocently paternal way.

But he knew within his own heart, he was as traditional as the rest of them, his heart simply steered him towards a path they wouldn’t accept, _even if he admitted to it._

 He’d made his way out, aimlessly waving his revolver around in different directions as if any area not looked towards had the potential of being fatal. He had grown up in the vault, he knew nothing else and that endless sky and the equally endless masses of land were nothing if not terrifying.

Despite his fears he knew he wasn’t a young man any longer and his own strength of mind had taken him to a city a while away, with a bridge which rustling had made him screech embarrassingly enough that he’d looked around for witnesses, only to find a homeless man previously asking him for purified water he didn’t have laughing in his face.

He knew _why_ his heart had led him there, knew his misson despite its difficulty.  
  
Now he was at a dark bar in said city, drowning his anxiety in murky colored drinks he’d paid for with caps he’d found on corpses along the way.  
  
*  
The first time he had saw one he’d hurled, the contents of his stomach running along the broken concrete leading back to the empty eyes of a man with smeared face paints, it had made the tresses of his hair spread out in the sun turn wet. It was a sickening vision, one even his years of life experience couldn't keep up with. He'd thought his age was an advantage, but in the face of such a horrifying reality they meant nothing.  
  
There was a knowing of his regarding death  - from a clinical standpoint that is. It was a natural part of life no one would ever escape, but the vault had protected its inhabitants from such views. The wasteland however hid nothing, there were no protections in store for those _lucky_ enough to still have an innocent mind.  
  
He had to think of the body as a thing, it was his one way of getting through the sense of trauma he still bore within his heart as he remembered those lifeless eyes – what had no doubt been brown eyes now a sickly almost white blue as the blood flow no longer reached the veins within the eyes. The truest face of death he had ever seen, a picture painted by nature to remind him - once it will be your body laying like this.  
  
*  
The liquor was his one remaining line of defense as that image flooded his mind over and over.  
  
A younger man had approached him, a man seemingly not put off from his outbursts of compassion, his questions about his wellbeing and general life situation.  
  
There was that feeling in the pit of his stomach alluding him to that the other man was one to be bought, his comfortable interactions with the barkeep strengthening Edwins knowledge of the other mans occupation and as the other mans hand stroked along his thigh he had stifled a cry.  
  
When was the last time he’d been touched? When was the last time he’d been intimate?  
  
He didn’t wish to truly remember, he only wished to drink in the intimacy given to him – genuine or no.  
  
So he’d found himself emptying his wallet, doing whatever he could so that the other man might not stop his endeavor.  
  
I don’t care anymore, kill me as I sleep, tear me open with your bare hands, just let me die knowing the truth within me which my heart longs for.  
  
Those were his last words to himself as he’d taken the younger man to a room, provided by the barkeep as he’d half stumbled away with his fellow patron, and for a moment, the same moment his lips met those of this stranger all was suddenly all right.  
  
Intimacy, years of longing in silence and wishes of being ”good” melting away and all that was left in its place was pure passion. His heart felt like it ached, tears threatening to overflow at the sensation he’d denied himself.  
  
A willing body accepting his, the sort of body his mind craved, the sort of body he’d been told was wrong to lust for. It no longer mattered if it was right or wrong in the eyes of his peers, all he wanted was to feel his heart just like this.  
  
It felt true, if that was ever a feeling. Like the feeling he’d surpressed simmering underneath his chest finally found ground. He could die happily knowing this, that his heart had tried leading him to this.  
  
And then there was darkness, the most comfortable sleep he had had in years. It didn’t matter if he woke up after it, all that mattered was that he’d finally allowed himself. He wouldn’t die not knowing what if and his last thoughts were of that girl. If she’d felt like this before the night he’d scolded her.  
  
He could only wish she’d one day understand, his anger had never been with her – he’d been angry that she’d been brave where he’d cowered.  
  
And for a moment, long or short – all was well with his world.


End file.
